Hearing, “Good morning! Did you have a nice weekend?” on a Monday morning is not uncommon. And neither is what will likely be your reply: “Yeah” or “I did, and how was yours?” You’ll likely not go into a lengthy diatribe about what you did or why it wasn’t as good as you had hoped. Why? Because you inherently understand that getting a run down on your weekend was not the intent of the question. You understood what the talk intended to do.

If your goal is to improve your communication skills, you need this skill. Listening in this manner provides insight into what people are really saying. It hints at their underlying motivations for Most importantly, it better informs your follow-up question.

WHAT’S THE SKILL?

Listen to what the talk is doing rather than the on the words themselves. How is this done? When listening to a response or conversation ask yourself, “What is achieved by stating what they did?” or “What did that conversational exchange attempt to accomplish?” Forget the specific words. As noted in the opening, you already have this skill!

Listening in this way brings you into the world of the conversation analyst (CA). These researchers take a listening-below-the-words micro examination of subtle pauses, the use of silence, turn-taking strategies, and other verbal exchanges to gain insights on a speaker’s motivations. Instead of simply noticing a pause, conversation analysts ask, “Why did the speaker pause at that moment? What was happening there?”

CA researchers would likely label the Monday morning greeting of “How was your weekend?” as a greeting ritual. Like you, they would see the questioner is likely not looking for information but simply using this phrase to connect. And they would interpret your response of “Went great!” as someone who understands the question was not intended for you to play back the elements of your entire weekend.

WHY DOES IT MATTER?

In a recent workshop in Brazil, a participant noted Americans tend to say at the end of a conversation, “We should get together sometime.” He exclaimed, “But they then never make plans! When I asked for more insight, he shared, “In Brazil, if you mention getting together, people start checking their calendars and asking, ‘When?’ So when you Americans never follow up, we see that as a bit rude!”

One conversational partner was speaking in conversational rituals, the other in calendars. That’s a classic misunderstanding when we don’t listen for the purpose of an utterance.

Taking a CA perspective assists you in minimizing misunderstandings, framing better questions, and handling disruptive behaviors (to name just a few of the benefits of having this skill). As an example, I was recently coaching two project managers frustrated with the actions of a key manager. They asked, “What do we do when someone asks hard questions about a proposal with only five minutes left in the meeting? We hardly have any time to answer! This happens all the time and it is impeding the progress of the project.”

My next question to them? “Why does this make perfect sense?” I continued with, “ What does this talk and its timing achieve that doing so in the middle of the meeting would not? No blame, no indicating that the behavior is wrong—just what does it achieve?”

Their expression was priceless as they grasped what was happening. These questions are coming from someone who likely didn’t want their questions answered. By asking the questions at the end of the meeting, the questions became–by design–unanswerable. Thus, the project could not go forward. And it is not surprising that rapidly trying to answer the questions or set up another large meeting to address them–initial strategies used by the project managers–didn’t work.

The leader was successful in stopping progress. What was the driver behind that? Well, the project managers will have to do more work (and good questioning) to uncover why. But, now having some insight on the intent of the action, they likely could devise a better solution.

WHAT’S THE TAKEAWAY?

Quit listening to the words themselves. Instead ask, “What is that talk trying to do?” Listen like a conversation analyst and gain a richer insight into the motivations and objectives of your teams or customers. This will also enable you to create more impactful interventions and ask better questions.

You can read more about it in my book Asking is Better Than Telling or learn the skill in my workshops.